January 04, 2018

Probably the most "obsessed" year I've had.
Everything has pushed trough incredibly hard and barely found myself breathing, really. Everything almost the hardest, the spontaneous and the most-complicated.
All of that seems passed, and I may complain just about hours later after it officially passed.
Because, dude, I couldn't remember we've ever complained about so many things we've had trough. Probably because all that we've seen for the past 365 days was, happiness.
I cried a day before 31st, because I knew it would definitely passed.

The day has come,
not only the day I've left my 25th year old, but also to welcome a new year of obligations. A brand new 365 days of my resolutions.
But there's always this one day got me so suspicious and dread. The 31st.
The only 24hours of day that will judge me to what I've written down long ago. My resolutions before on 2K16. Has it completed? The answer is almost the one that got me cried the craziest ; it's all completed, and I achieved more.

I've spent days that didn't written down on my resolution paper to the years. I've got money, more than I've ever expected, I've got opportunities away more than I've ever-ever imagined. I work with so many brands starting with zero and now has been constantly changing time to time. With all these coincidences, or in other words; bless, I got my chances to see the first year of my baby girl. Watch her growing day by day, almost catching up with everything she'd up to. Never miss a thing.
I thought my husband would definitely went outside city like every weeks, in fact he didn't. His office is mercy, they knew about his wife and child are waiting for him and that's the sweetest thing I've always underestimated for some people.
So, yes.
This writing was intended to say goodbye to the most-unforgettable year, yet.

All the achievement we've gained for this passed year was incredibly the roughest to get. Couldn't be more surprise that lowering expectations are practically easy after we have each other, moreover after we have our daughter, Neymar.
She turns us away better than we ever were. I never felt so humble until I have her. I never felt so bless, and bow-lower than ever.
She have convinced me more than anyone ever does, She convinces me that life is easy mom. Yet, this is challenging, but this is actually pretty easy if we see it closely. All that I've got to do was, breathe.
Felt every single pain, felt every single problem, and felt it all trough my skin, while I'm breathing. I've trough too many sleepless night, with work. Cause during the day, I have my real work, which felt like a holiday everyday, playing with my baby daughter, singing with her, teaching her many subjects, hugging her like the last hug ever, and breastfeeding her.
felt so awesome.

I didn't quite sure I could write these much after a year, sharing much, and love much.
I've forgiven people more than ever, I forgave them all without words.
It all turned up, so well.
I feel so free.

Oh my work, I got to created my work for my self, as Neymar is my number one top priority almost above everything else. The work, I created for the sake of self-esteem, means almost nothing for me, honestly. I don't expect anything in return and ready to lose it anytime. Not a real job, just a hobby. Not my job-description to be a wife in general, I never would be so obsessed to work if this meant to leave my daughter, to abandoned her with strangers, or to see her laughing to anyone else except me and my husband, I would be heartbroken. So I won't let me.
But it turned up to be so massive and I got along with an impressive amount of income each and everyday. I didn't know I worked so hard, I didn't realized any of these until today. I've gain more than I ever want.
I couldn't be more blessed and gratitude for Allah SWT, He is the merciful Al-Malik, the kindest, the most-spontaneous. He is always contain with all of us, He is always remain me stay away from Riba in his magical way, trusts me with his care and love, trusts me with his Rizq.
He helped me trough most of the problems, He is the one and only, I couldn't do any of these without His grants. WONT HAPPENED WITHOUT HIM. I will bow more, sojood more, and ask for forgiveness a lot lot more. I'll give my time more. I need to be alone with Him more, talk to him more.
He's been all over us, no mater how hard the situation, He's been there to us. Help us trough, with his unreasonable protections, like He loves us unconditionally, unreasonably. He's been our savior. 2017 was everything about His grants, He's ridha.

I literally cried to the folded-emotion of these gratitudes God has served me. I don't deserve it.
In a mean time, I practically also asking this very rude and sarcastic questions most of the time, "Am I easily satisfied?"
Until, I'm stuck, how can someone measure satisfaction for all of these? All that happened throughout the year wasn't anything satisfying, but beyond.
I don't take anything easily for granted, I know risks, and options are always getting along the way, altogether. But I'm happy that I always capable of understanding that everything never meant to things. In the end, you can always choose what to feel.

It has been one of the greatest and the most difficult year of my life. I learn everything is temporary.
Moments. Peoples. Feelings. Flowers. I learn love is about giving everything, and let it hurt.
I learn that vulnerability is always the right choice because it's easy to be cold in the world that makes it very difficult to remain soft.
I learn everything come in twos.
Life and death.
Pain and joy.
Salt and sugar.
Me and you.
Its the balance of the universe.

It's been a year of loving so bad, living so good.
I learn that mint-chocolate chip ice cream and listening to my baby girl laughing has equal manner to fix just about everything!
It's ok if it was hard, it's ok if it was almost killing half of your soul.
It's ok if you've got to cried all over.
But to know there's always the way, there's always sunlight after dark night, and there's always these tinny hided rainbow right after a stormy rain,
for me, every hit I count was worth it.

All these, just a new element of another subtractions.
It will go on, unlike a chapter you won't get back to see how was every pages written, it will be a reference to what's undone, and to whats have completely done.
I'm happy that I'm blessed with this blissful life, but truthfully, I'm anxious to know everything is temporary. So, the real resolutions for another days ahead is to lowering every resolutions down, and do more, grateful more, share more. Love harder!

Welcome, 2K18.
You'll be the subtractions in sequences of each and every blesses and happiness -my life has been all about.

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